I’m having trouble writing. A lot of trouble. I’m losing a whole lot of confidence in my concept and in the quality of my writing itself. I have 90 pages in size thirteen times new roman, with spaces between paragraphs. This is important; put in size twelve, it’s 10 pages shorter. Without the spaces between paragraphs, it’ll probably be about 60 pages.
But now I’m just struggling. I have probably thirty pages that need to be cut. All of the writing in this book needs to be revised to an incredibly depressing extent. Research still needs to be done. My expertise is not expert enough. But mostly, I need to move forward. My book’s “plan” is in the wind somewhere, blown away by that hurricane gust called “Life During The End of A Semester”. I need to create a skeletal plan, which I often avoid doing, but because it’s all in my head, I’m afraid things will leak out of my very exhausted brain, and I feel … directionless without one.
I also need to get to know my characters better. I don’t know what Lilly likes to read in her spare time. I don’t know if Marshall sings in the shower, or what his favourite holiday is. I don’t know what Lilly eats for breakfast every morning. That kind of thing.
I feel like everything that has happened so far has been … mediocre. I feel like I need to start the novel at an earlier point in time, before Fletcher is attacked, because right now it’s investigating past crimes that are only now seeing the light. I’m uncertain in my choice of POV. Right now it’s supposed to be close third person to Lilly. But my original thought was to do third person, fluctuating between Marshall and Lilly. Should I do that? Should I make it Marshall’s POV, which would change the entire novel? Or should I move to first person (Lilly), which would also change the entire project? I also need to look at my killer’s pathology, make sure things match up properly — and maybe let go of some of the ideas I wanted to incorporate. But I’m too close to it.
And there’s another point I’m possibly re-evaluating: at the moment, Lilly is with the FBI, as is Marshall. I’m contemplating bumping her down to a detective, with Marshall as a consultant from the FBI. Christ.
I am at a point of absolute uncertainty. I need help. And I don’t know what to do.