026. Spring Semester Blues.

Today, I have done nothing.

Nothing, is, as usual, an overstatement. But what I mean is that, aside from waking up, hopping on public transportation to get back to my homeland, taking a brief walk, and getting Dunkin Donuts twice, I have actually done nothing I need to do. This is somewhat upsetting but mostly typical, and I find it difficult to be bothered. At least, I did until I realised that it was 9:15 p.m. and I still need to pack for vacation, which conveniently begins tomorrow.

Vacation means a break from the end of classes; from the stress and anxiety of assignments, catapulting me into the glorious bliss of doing nothing and the world being okay with my sudden lack of responsibility. But vacation means something else, too. Three months separate Kendra: College Student Extraordinaire from Kendra: Ex-Student/Hobo Hybrid Without Even the Vaguest of Plans. Yesterday was the last day of my internship at Perseus, which was bittersweet. There were times when it frustrated me, times when I was bored out of my skull, and times when I felt like upending all the filing cabinets and weeping at the futile attempts at locating things that didn’t appear to exist at all. But that was my cubicle for two days a week, dammit, my crappy, tiny-fonted computer with horrifyingly slow internet, my rolly chair that looked like a werewolf had taken a liking to it. And I will miss Jennifer as a boss, and I will even miss good old Mer. Except maybe not that.

And of course, before internship ended, classes ended with a whimper that turned into a bang. Problem: Teacher doesn’t show up for the final. Imposter does and gives us a survey. Effect: We feel cheated. Solution: We go to Sweetwater and get beers in the middle of a raging downpour. Problem solved. Shoes wet. Bladder full.

In all seriousness, though, it was a good semester. I got closer to people I wanted to see more of, went to bars, did a lot more stuff in Boston in general, and didn’t even lose a single friend. I spent too much money, sucked at a lot of things, wrote 80 (terrible) pages of my novel, and generally wondered how anyone ever thought i was good at writing, because clearly I am terrible at it and will never succeed, ever.

Now, for two weeks — minus the unfortunate interlude that is commencement — I get to do nothing; have no responsibility except that article I have to do all the time. And then, after that, I’m back to college. My last semester. My last hurrah. A time to regret everything I have not done and taken advantage of in my short career as an Emersonian. And a new internship. And generally, this post is wildly unfocused, but I’m elongating it in order to procrastinate on packing.

And look — it’s working!

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025. I May Be Twenty-One, But I Still Angst Like a Thirteen-Year-Old Goth Girl.

There’s something about this beautiful night weather that doesn’t let me appreciate it; instead, whenever I get a night like this, I always think back to the worst times — all of which happened on nights like these.

Like the time I lost my first group of friends. And the time I realised I was losing my second group of friends — the ones who’d rescued me from a semester of misery and self-loathing and regret. And the time I really understood that in my family, nothing would ever, ever be the same again. There’s something about nice weather, a light breeze, and darkness that just brings out the times I wish I could forget, the times when I realise how absolutely alone I was and sometimes still am.

I miss so many things: I miss laughing with Maria and Mike; I miss understanding my sister, acting out silly pretend lives and having fun in a way we don’t know how to have fun anymore. I miss getting soup for Ariel when she had pneumonia; I miss karaoke with Taylor and Nicole. I miss midnight scavenger hunts with Ali and Joe and Billi and Martin. I miss that feeling of belonging without the paranoia that if I make one wrong move, I’ll be alone again. And sometimes I can shake it — sometimes.

And there are times when I wish I’d fought harder: fought to stay friends with the people I thought cared about me, who I violently cared about, or even tried to tell somebody that I was in love with them (or in like with them), and I wish I didn’t regret it so much afterwards.

I don’t really know where this post is going, aside from this: I sometimes feel more alone than anyone would ever think I am, and I don’t know how to tell people when I need reassurance or affection and I certainly don’t know how to tell them that I trust them with my life but I’m afraid that they might leave me if someone better comes along.

This is a sad sack of a post, but it makes no sense not to post it. It might be whiny, but it’d be cowardly not to just for the fear that someone will read it.

017. In Which I Attend Fancy Parties.

I went to a party last night. A Fancy Party. Capitalized spectacularly. Appropriately, I got fancy. I did have to walk back to Kenmore (which was an interesting feat because the Citgo sign was pretty much obscured by snow that was not supposed to be falling, and I’d never walked there from Fenway). But obviously, it worked out, as I’m still alive and untouched, and for all my troubles I got delicious Supreme Pizza. And cheesy garlic bread. And it was epic.

This morning, though, I left Kenmore and when I got to Quint Street (which is where I get off the 57 and get on the 66) I discovered (while I’m still wearing my pointy boots and Allsaints dress) that the 66 would not be arriving for another fifteen minutes. So, despite the fact that it was snowing–it was actually decently warm–I decided to walk home. It only took me twenty minutes, and the bus only passed me when I got a little past Oxford Street. I consider this to be a win on my part.

In other news, I go home on Friday. I’m excited to see people and to get away from homework for a bit; to get away from commuting for a week. To be able to sleep in past eight will be … beyond fabulous. So let’s hope that I make it ’til then — I have a lot of work to do beforehand!

016. Too Many Things.

God, my life.

This weekend was so insane. But I mean, everyone’s heard of it pretty much, so let’s just get down to business:

I went to two parties. I spent a lot of money. I acquired a semi-stalker, who hopefully is not adept enough to actually stalk me. But what’s really been bugging me is this week.

I’ve been tired. I’ve been more depressed than is perhaps warranted. The weather’s beautiful today and I’m stuck inside doing nothing. On Monday, our Latin American lit & cinema class had to watch this movie, The Green Wall. It was not a fun movie. Our teacher decided to up and leave us, so we stayed for a while but … I mean. Come on. We’re college kids. We did, eventually, end up leaving early. And somehow, by some terrible fucking twist of fate, we got caught.

Now Flora’s given us an assignment that is worth TEN PERCENT of our grade. That’s a fucking lot of a grade. And there’s legitimately one copy of this movie in all of Boston. No torrents. No Netflix. Nothing at even the public library. So Mike, Mike, Ross, Cami, Alex, and I are all going to go to the library on our day off and get this shit out of the way. So that makes me feel better about it.

But I’m still unhappy because of Saturday’s hookup. Because it was fuckin’ great while it was happening but now I’m not sure if it (or anything further than that) will ever happen again. And like some kind of idiot, I got attached.

Whatever, I don’t know. I’m too emotionally exhausted to care. I’m just excited for Katie’s party next week and to see Keri, Sara, and Sarah tomorrow and Tater tonight. Because honestly, I’ve realised that if there’s one thing that makes me feel better about everything, it’s hanging out with these people. It makes me not have to overanalyze everything. Which is, of course, what I’m doing now, because there’s nothing else to do.

014. Things That Don’t Actually Matter.

I’m supposed to be doing homework, but I haven’t updated this blog for a while, so here we go:

Last night I went to a party. It was fun. I liked it. I met someone new and we bonded over our hatred for a particular person who Shall Not Be Named. I saw Seamus again. I missed him a lot. Also Ryan. It felt like a hundred or so years since that Zombie movie way back when, and I wish I saw them more.

In other news, my sister apparently got two kittens. That’s great and all, but I feel a little … oddly betrayed. Which may sound stupid, but it’s like she’s forsaken our two cats at home, along with everything else. She texted me about it today, and gave them literary names: Raoul Duke and Mersault. I didn’t even know she liked l’√Čtranger very much but hey, whatever.

I’m a little worried about the fact that she adopted these kittens because I don’t know how on earth she thinks she’s going to be able to support two kittens. Vet bills? Eep. We’ll see what happens.

012. The Breakfast Club Cures Everything.

So yesterday was my first full day back in boston, and also my first day at my internship. It was pretty cool, even though I had Transportation Panic in the morning. Emily taught me how to do shit, and it was kind of fun even though I apparently kept getting the weird assignments: an Italian publisher who had changed the name of the book without saying it, and thus the contract was impossible to find; a mis-delivered package; a Dutch book whose title bore no resemblance to the original, and had no mention of what it was to begin with; two books in Japanese with identical covers (minus the colours), titles, and text (we assumed), but two separate ISBN numbers; and three unfindable files that I eventually found after being very, very, VERY creative.

It was awesome because … we have a cappucino maker in the office. For real. And a super cute mug collection. And a toaster. And a microwave. oh man. I’m so beyond excited. And work itself went quite fast, though I can’t wait for tater to get back so we can intern together!

In other news, it’s snowing. A lot. Like. A hell of a lot. But Sara and Sean and I are going to the Breakfast Club anyway and it’s going to be beyond awesome.

008. Decisions, Decisions.

Writing-wise, things are looking up.

Novel is moving along smoothly, for now. Kate read the reworked first two chapters, and she agreed that first person is working out better. That’s one third of the opinions I want/need, but I’m not going to wait forever. If I don’t hear back definitively by Sunday, I’m moving forward and trusting my gut, which does officially say “LILLY FIRST PERSON POV” in large capital letters and a very loud, grumbly voice. Or maybe I’m just hungry.

I’m coming closer to a decision on The Catharsis; I’m 70% leaning towards not reapplying. Why? The following reasons:
1. I’m not happy with the prompts. At all. They’re uninspiring.
2. I don’t like various things about the structure of the magazine, and there’s no real way to change that.
3. I’m going to be working a LOT on my novel, and I don’t need the added distraction.
4. I’d rather keep writing for the weekly/monthly contests at Brigits Flame, which is a livejournal community that Jen and I participate in. I like competitions, the prompts are usually quite good, and I’ve gotten a relatively large fanbase there. I get feedback from multiple people (Jen included) and I write a lot more, and can also use this as an unofficial sounding board for my novel and other novel-length ideas.

Also, (un)fortunately — it really depends on how you look at this — the prompt for this week at the Flame in the regular contest (not the all-stars, which I’m also in) ended up inspiring a possible sequel for my first novel. I have the profile of the killer already. And a possible love interest for Marshall. I’m going to try and do something with it for this month’s contest, and then put it away and deal with it after the first novel’s been written.

In non-writing news: I hung out with Mirela today. Went to Smyrna. Hung out with Kate at Borders. Played Setback FOREVER. Watched Top Chef All-Stars. Tomorrow, I go shopping for internship clothings with Jen and Kate, and then see Black Swan with them! Yay! So excited. I’ll talk about how it is tomorrow. Which … actually is today. Fancy that.

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